I'm Not Coming Back
by StoatsandWeasels
Summary: AU: InuYasha wakes to find himself alone.
1. You're the Reason

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, not me.

* * *

Amended A/N: Originally I said this was a one shot, but obviously it's not anymore...

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't even know what's going on here, it just crept into my head and refused to leave. If you are looking for a happy story you're gonna have a bad time.

You've been warned.

-SW

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 **Chapter One: You're the Reason**

* * *

InuYasha awoke to the sound of birds singing merrily outside his window. He was alone in his bed. This was nothing new.

It seemed like Kagome had been falling asleep on the sofa more and more often these days.

Although, it was slightly surprising to him on this particular morning, seeing as she _had_ come to bed sometime in the night and they had made love for the first time in what, to _him_ , felt like an eternity.

He dragged himself from the bed and made his way down the stairs, peering into the living room to see that she wasn't there. Her blanket was folded and placed neatly atop her pillow on one end of the sofa.

" _Kagome?_ " he called out her name as he entered the room and got no response. The only sound in the house was the quiet hum of the refrigerator.

Then he saw it.

A single sheet of notebook paper folded and placed on the stack of bedding. Upon it was his name, in her handwriting. It looked ominous to him. He didn't want to touch it. His heart already knew what it would say.

He lifted the note, unfolded it hesitantly, and began to read.

 _InuYasha,_

 _By the time you find this letter I will have already left. I'm sorry that I had to tell you this way, but I know that if I had tried to tell you in person you'd have talked me out of it._

 _If ever you'd have done or said anything to convince me to stay I would have stayed. I gave you plenty of chances._

 _It's better this way. I know that one day you will realize that._

 _At the end of the day, the fact of the matter was, I'm alive, and she isn't, and I could never compete with your memory of her. I'm tired of trying._

 _I know you did your best, but your best still left me in second place, and I deserve better than that._

 _Don't come looking for me, and don't hold onto hope. I don't want you to find me, and I'm not coming back._

 _It wasn't all bad, but sometimes the joy just doesn't outweigh the pain. Don't blame yourself. It just wasn't meant to last._

 _I hope you find happiness, InuYasha. I hope you find the person who makes you happy. God knows it wasn't me._

 _Kagome_

InuYasha sat down on the sofa, clutching tightly to the note. His claws poking holes around the edges, threatening to tear it to shreds. He wanted to race out the door and track her down. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and that it _was_ meant to last...but why would he do that? Why would he drag her back into a life filled with pain, of which he was the source? He wouldn't. He wouldn't do it because he _did_ love her and she _was,_ and would always be, _first_ in his heart.

Maybe it _was_ better this way. Because it was better for _her_ he would accept it. He would do what was best for her.

He would let her go.


	2. You Could've Done Better

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 **Chapter Two: You Could've Done Better**

* * *

She had given him everything. Her love, her undying support, her innocence…

She had lain her soul bare to him a thousand times, yet he had remained guarded, refusing to give her his whole heart. She had wanted to get married, but he always thought of a million reasons to put it off. She would have assumed he was just afraid of commitment, had it not been for the fact that he had been engaged before. He wasn't afraid of commitment, he just didn't want to commit himself to _her_.

She loved him, and she wanted to be with him forever, but she also wanted a family of her own. She had given up hope of ever having both, and the more time passed, the more pressure she felt to choose. The day before she left him, she had served as a bridesmaid, and watched as her last single friend walked down the aisle to the man of her dreams. It was in that moment, as she stood listening to the couple speak their personal vows to one another, that she had made her decision.

He felt he no longer had a whole heart left to give, but he knew he could love her just as well as anyone could with what battered pieces of his heart remained. He knew he could have done better. He could have been more attentive. He could have asked her what she wanted, and given it to her. He could have told her how much he loved her…

He had never told her he loved her. Not once in the four years they were together. He had been afraid. Afraid that he was cursed, and that speaking it aloud would draw the attention of whatever gods or demons seems to have it out for him. He'd only ever loved one other woman, and he'd told her as much, and she was dead now.

He and Kagome had lived together, but he wouldn't even discuss the prospect of marriage, even though he knew that's what she wanted more than anything. He thought he was doing her a favor by refusing to chain her to _damaged goods_ for the rest of her life. He thought he was protecting her.

He had taken her for granted; he thought she would always be there.

And she _was_ always there, until she suddenly _wasn't_ there anymore, and never would be again.

The days passed slowly, and the weeks passed slower, and months even slower still. He hoped she would come back to him, even though she said she wouldn't.

She hoped he would come fight for her, make some grandiose confession of love, even though it wasn't like him to ever do such a thing.

But she _didn't come_ , and he _didn't fight_.

That was the state of things for a long time. A continuously looping rollercoaster of hope and disappointment inside each of their separate minds.

Eventually Kagome met someone new. He was nice, but he wasn't exciting. He was successful, but he wasn't interesting. He loved her, but he wasn't InuYasha. He was good to her and good _for_ her, but he didn't make her feel alive. In truth, he didn't make her feel much of anything at all; but InuYasha didn't want to marry her and Hojo did, so when he asked, she said yes. It wasn't like she had always dreamed it would be. She didn't jump up and down, she didn't cover her mouth in shock or fan her tear-filled eyes…

She simply said 'Yes', and that was that.

Eventually, InuYasha packed away all of her things. All the pictures of her. He couldn't bear another day with the reminders of his greatest failure and his most devastating loss staring him in the face. So he packed her away as if she were dead, because to him, she might as well be. Like Kikyo. Like himself...all dead. He ran his fingers across the glass frame as he looked at her smiling face one last time. She looked happy. He had thought that she _was_.

He placed the last picture into the box and sealed it up.

The next time he saw her face it was in the newspaper, accompanying a wedding announcement. Probably some wimp who told her he loved her, and gave her flowers and did all the things that _he_ never did. All the things that she wanted, but never asked for. All thing things that he should have cared enough to find out. The wimp was probably someone with a better job, and a better house, and a better life than him...as if _that_ were some _great feat_ …

The searing pain of the shock and loss he felt surprised him. He was just certain that dead men couldn't feel pain, but here he was, in blinding agony. Every chance that his heart had of ever being whole again had been taken from him.

No, it wasn't taken from him, he had sat back and let it quietly slip away.

* * *

 **A/N: Well, Kagome said she's not coming back, but so did I, and here I am so you never know…**

 **I'm sure I will write more of this story, like one or two more chapters, but I can't make any promises. It's not planned at all.**

 **Full disclosure: It's basically just an angst dump.**

 **Thanks for reading,**

 **StoatsandWeasels**


	3. Thinking and Wondering

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Three: Thinking and Wondering**_

* * *

The thing Kagome remembered most about her wedding day was how many times her eyes found their way to the doors at the back of the building. They were etched in her memory, each panel, every dark, swirling strand of fiber, every knot. The brass handles, all tarnished save for the upper curve, gleaming and polished by the hands of all those who had passed through before.

Her head had told her she was making the right decision, marrying Hojo.

Her heart told her she was making a mistake.

She decided that, unless she was given some clear sign, she would go through with it.

When the day finally came, there was only one person occupying both her mind, and her heart, and it was not the man she was marrying.

She should have taken _that_ as her sign.

But she didn't, and she married Hojo, and their life was good, but she never fell in love with him.

For several years they attempted to make things work between them, but she couldn't make herself love him. The last such attempt was a trial separation. An attempt to give each other space. They thought that perhaps they'd realize their love for one another in their absence. In that space they each found that they _did_ love someone, unfortunately it wasn't each other.

So after five years, her marriage to Hojo dissolved.

She wondered, if her heart had doors, how tarnished would the handles be?

She remembered the first time she ever saw InuYasha. He was sleeping; his peaceful expression belying the turbulent emotions swirling inside his mind.

She already knew his story. Practically every hospital employee knew his story. The only survivor of a three car accident that ended the lives of four people, one of which was his fiance. He was suffering from a cervical fracture, high on the spinal column; an injury that would have almost certainly resulted death if he were a human. His physical prognosis was good. Temporary quadriplegia. How long it would take for him to recover was anyone's guess. One month? Two? Six? Only time would tell. He had regained the ability to breath on his own in just under two weeks. His doctors had taken this as a good sign, and once he was off the respirator he was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital. That is where Kagome first met him. He was angry. Despondent. Completely and utterly broken; and she was immediately and inexplicably drawn to him.

Kagome had thought that she would be the one to help him, to heal his heart; and she tried, but how long do you try to help someone who refuses to help themselves? How many years do you invest in a lost cause? She loved him with all of her heart, but loving him could never change the fact that he hated himself. Only he could change that.


	4. The Dark Side of the Road

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 **Chapter Four: The Dark Side of the Road**

* * *

 _ **...I hope you find the person who makes you happy. God knows it wasn't me.**_

InuYasha finished reading the letter for what must have been the ten thousandth time since he had first read it over six years ago. He didn't need to read it to know what it said, but seeing her handwriting…

He could almost hear her voice.

He carefully folded the worn sheet of paper; the edges and creases frayed and thin, reinforced with yellowing strips of cellophane tape. He slipped it back into the small drawer of his nightstand. It was the one reminder of her that he allowed himself to keep. It was the only one he felt he deserved.

As he returned the letter to the drawer he saw a white business card emblazoned with the name and number of a therapist. Yet another one of his mom's little _suggestions_. It was at least the fifth different doctor she had not-so-subtly recommended. He had actually went and talked with one of them, although he would never admit that to anyone, least of all his mother.

He hadn't liked the guy. He didn't need yet another person, let alone a stranger, telling him that it ' _wasn't his fault_ '. He would never be convinced of that. Not _entirely_ his fault? Perhaps. A portion of the blame went to the stranger who was too busy texting his girlfriend to notice the red light. Although, InuYasha couldn't help but feel even more guilty placing blame on a dead teenager. Some of the blame could also be put on fate, or God, or coincidence. Just being where they were, when they were. The wrong place at the wrong time.

But there was no doubt in his mind that the vast majority of the blame rested solely on his own head.

He was driving. He insisted she go with him. He knew that she never wore a seatbelt, and it concerned him, but he never once voiced those concerns. He never felt a strong need to until the day he awoke in an overturned car, and opened his eyes to find the seat next to him empty.

The therapist he had seen had suggested that he might be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. "Survivor guilt", is what he had called it. _Survivor..._ InuYasha hated the term. It made it sound as if it were something to be proud of, when he most definitely knew better than that. Being a survivor didn't always mean a person was strong, sometimes it just meant they simply weren't _quite_ as weak as someone else. Or perhaps they were just luckier…

 _"Keh!"_ InuYasha tossed the offending card back into the drawer and slammed it shut. What was the point? He wasn't hurting anyone but himself, and he had actually grown quite comfortable with the pain. It was such a large part of him now, he wasn't even sure what would remain if it were gone.

Perhaps he would altogether cease to exist. The notion wasn't entirely unappealing.


	5. If You Don't Know By Now

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Five: If You Don't Know By Now**_

* * *

" _I couldn't care less, InuYasha, but the boys keep asking about you._ "

"Well, bring them over then." InuYasha told his brother.

" _They don't like coming to your house. They think it's haunted._ "

"How is that _my_ problem?"

InuYasha heard Sesshomaru let out an exasperated sigh through the phone. " _I am taking them to the park after lunch. If their uncle were to show up, it would make their day._ "

"I'll be there."

" _Good. I'm not going to tell them, so they won't be disappointed if you decide not to show up._ "

"I'm _gonna_ show up." InuYasha snapped.

" _Very well then. We will see you this afternoon._ "

* * *

InuYasha arrived at the park before his brother's family, and took a seat on one of the outward facing benches some distance away from the playground. He didn't want the parents thinking he was some child predator creep.

Moments later, his ears rotated back at the sound of tiny footsteps quickly pattering closer, before coming to a sudden stop. When he peered over his shoulder, he saw a small human boy, no more than three years old, standing about ten feet behind him.

"Hi." the toddler greeted with a bright smile, his wide brown eyes focused on the top of InuYasha's head. The hanyou gave his ears a twitch for entertainment's sake, and the child burst into giggles.

InuYasha couldn't help but let out a rare chuckle.

"Guess what!" The little boy said.

"What?" InuYasha asked.

"My mommy wears a bra!" The child said enthusiastically.

InuYasha let out an amused snort. "Good to know, kid." he indulged him.

"Yeah!" The boy squeaked. "It goes on under her shirt!"

"That so? Well, maybe you'd better go find her. Didn't she tell you you're not supposed to talk to strangers?"

The boy let out a gasp as he recalled this important bit of information he had clearly forgotten, before turning and running back in the direction of the benches surrounding the playground. InuYasha kept his eyes on the kid, just to be sure he found his way back to his parents safely. When the child reached the playground he latched himself onto the legs of a woman. A woman InuYasha immediately recognized, but hadn't seen in a very long time. Their eyes met simultaneously and she flashed him a wide smile, raising her hand and waving as she began to approach him.

InuYasha rose from his bench and met her halfway.

"InuYasha! It's so good to see you." The woman said sincerely, enveloping him in a warm embrace.

"It's good to see you too, Higurashi-san. How have you been?" he asked as he returned her hug.

"I'm doing well. And yourself?" she returned.

"Can't complain." he said flatly.

It was a lie, of course. He could complain, in fact he was quite good at it.

He felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down to see the bubbly toddler vying for his attention.

"Guess what." The little boy said again.

"What?"

"Grandma wears a bra, too!" he chirped before erupting into another fit of shrieking toddler-giggles.

"Kaito, what did I tell you about that?" Mrs. Higurashi scolded lightly, squatting down to the child's eye level.

"That it's a secret." he said in a loud whisper.

"No, that it's _private_." she corrected him.

"Private." he repeated with a nod.

"I'm sorry," she said, turning her head up toward InuYasha. "He helped me with the laundry this morning and he's learned a new word." she said, chuckling lightly.

InuYasha smiled.

"Okay, Kai," Mrs. Higurashi said to her grandson. "why don't you go play with your friends."

"This is my friend." he said, wrapping this tiny hands around InuYasha's much larger one.

She smiled. "Looks like you have a fan, InuYasha." she said.

"It's the ears." he said, pointing to the top of his head.

"Go play with Shippo in the sandbox, and if you're good maybe you will get a treat when we get home."

"A popsicle?!"

She nodded. "If you're good."

"I'll be good, I promise!" he squealed as he turned and raced for the sandbox.

Mrs. Higurashi stood and made her way over to the bench InuYasha had previously been occupying, taking a seat and motioning for him to do likewise.

"So," InuYasha spoke first. "he's your grandson?" Of course, he already knew the answer to the question.

"Yes." she said simply.

"Is he…?"

"He's Kagome's." she finished for him, nodding.

InuYasha nodded in return, pushing down the pain in his heart that had grown quite dull from the many years of suppressing it. It was a slight shock to find out this way, but it was not the least bit surprising. He had imagined she would probably have children of her own by now. Still, it hurt.

"Cute kid." he said.

"Thank you. I agree, but I admit I happen to be rather partial." she said with a grin.

Suddenly their conversation was interrupted by the shouts of two very excited little boys. " _UNCLE YASHA!_ "

InuYasha stood and turned, just in time to be tackled by his two, surprisingly strong for their age, nephews as they cleared the back of the bench in one leap. In the distance, he could see his ever-stoic brother slowly sauntering across the lawn, carrying his tiny female clone in his arms.

"Uncle Yasha! What are you _doing_ here?!" the older boy asked in shocked disbelief.

"I came here to see you guys, _obviously_."

"Are you going to play with us?" the younger boy asked excitedly.

"That depends, what are you playing?"

"This!" the older boy said, galloping over to his father and pulling the frisbee from his hand. "Father bought it for us!" he said excitedly.

InuYasha briefly wondered if his brother was aware of the connotations of them playing with a frisbee, but he let it slide.

"Okay." InuYasha said as he rose from the ground and brushed the dry grass clippings from his pants.

"Yay!" the boys cheered, clasping hands as they jumped for joy. By this time Kaito had noticed the commotion and had returned to his grandmother's lap, watching the older boys with quiet interest.

InuYasha turned to Kagome's mother. "Well, it was good seeing you again Higurashi-san."

"It was good seeing you again too, InuYasha. Feel free to stop by the shrine any time. I'm sure Kagome would like to see you."

InuYasha paused, unsure if he had heard her correctly. "Kagome…? She works at the shrine now?" he asked her.

"She lives at the shrine now." she corrected.

"Oh…" InuYasha said. "She's...I mean, she's not...um...she isn't living with her..."

"They're separated right now...well, they're getting D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, actually." Mrs. Higurashi spelled out in front of the impressionable toddler.

"Oh." InuYasha said again, feeling his long forgotten heart begin to pound in his chest. He felt disgusted with himself for the momentary flutter of joy he selfishly felt upon hearing this news.

But why the hell was Higurashi-san telling _him_ this? Could she be suggesting…? _No_...he wouldn't allow himself to hope...

InuYasha nodded. "Umm...yeah...maybe I'll do that sometime." he said.

"That would be wonderful." Mrs. Higurashi said. "Please do stop by sometime soon!"

He gave another sharp nod. "Okay. Goodbye Higurashi-san." he said as his rowdy nephews tugged at his hands and led him off.

"Goodbye, InuYasha."

"Bye Yasa!" Kaito called out to him.

"See ya, kid."

* * *

InuYasha slowly dragged his feet up the stairs to his room, as exhausted as he could remember being in a long time, and somewhat ashamed to have been so thoroughly worked over by two small children. It had been a nice distraction though. A distraction he had desperately needed.

When he reached his bedroom, he made his way directly to the side table next to his bed and opened the drawer. He had quickly come to a decision on his walk home.

He removed the business card from the drawer, and without hesitation, picked up his phone and dialed the number.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **...and suddenly we are outside of their heads and in the world of dialogue and other people. I hope that wasn't too much of a leap…**

 **There might just be one more chapter of this, or there might be a little more than that... It just depends what comes into my head.**

 **SW**


	6. We Never Did Too Much Talking Anyway

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Six: We Never Did Too Much Talking Anyway**_

* * *

 _He strained to open his eyes; the world was a blur of color and light and the deafening sound of sirens._

 _He tried to breathe, but his brain didn't seem to have any control over his lungs. In fact, it didn't seem to have control of anything below his shoulders._ "He's got a pulse!" _He heard an unfamiliar male voice shout as unseen fingers pressed firmly against his throat. How interesting that the paramedic happened to notice and call out the only notable characteristic that remained of him. The next thing he knew, a hard plastic brace was wrapped around his neck and he was pulled through a shattered window by hands he couldn't feel. Just as he started to black out from lack of oxygen, he felt cold steel against his tongue and pressure in his throat, and suddenly his burning lungs were filling with air again._

"Everybody else died." InuYasha told the psychiatrist. "Kikyo, that was my fiance, she was thrown from the car and killed instantly. There was a husband and wife in a third car that both died at the scene too; and the teenage boy who caused the accident lived for a while on life support, but his parents pulled the plug after a couple weeks with no brain activity. The other shrink I talked to said I have survivor's guilt or some stupid thing." he rolled his eyes.

"And what do you think? Obviously you admit there is a problem. You wouldn't be here if you didn't." the doctor said.

"I don't know. You tell me. That's what I'm payin' ya for, isn't it?"

"I'm here to help you, InuYasha, I can't tell you what your problems are, I can only help you to figure them out on your own, but I will tell you this, I don't think you're here because of the accident at all. In fact, the ease with which you can talk about it tells me that you've actually healed from the experience quite well. I think there is something else. Something you're not telling me. Why are you really here?"

The question hung in the air as InuYasha sat silent.

"Just know that there is very little I can do to help you if you refuse to talk to me about it." she added.

"I...lost someone…" he said hesitantly. "I mean, she didn't _die_ or anything, I just lost her…"

"And who was she to you?"

"Everything." he answered quickly. "She was everything."

"Would you care to tell me about her?" the doctor asked.

"What do you wanna know?"

"Well, you could start by telling me how the two of you met."

InuYasha let out a slow breath through his nose. "It was fall. October. I remember because it was Halloween and she was dressed like a fairy... or maybe it was a butterfly…" he shook his head. "Either way, I thought she was an angel. I remember being relieved that I had died...but then I realized that it couldn't be real. If I was really dead I sure as hell wouldn't have been in heaven." he let out a mirthless chuckle. "She was an occupational therapist at the rehab place I was in after the accident. Do you know what that is? An occupational therapist?" he asked.

The doctor nodded. "Yes, I do."

"So you know what she had to do...help me get dressed and take showers and that kinda shit… I _hated_ it at first...having a girl do all that personal stuff for me, but she was really professional about it. Our time block was seven o'clock in the morning every weekday. I never used to be a morning person, but after I met her...I'd get so excited about waking up in the morning that I couldn't fall asleep at night." he gave a genuine chuckle. "Anyway, after a while she started coming to visit me after her shifts ended. She'd even come in on her days off. She always made up some excuse, like she forgot something, or had to pick up her paycheck, but...I knew she was just coming to see me. I ended up being there for nineteen weeks, and if it wasn't for her I would have never left. I'd have died there, probably. Just given up… but she gave me a reason to live again, just like she does now and she doesn't even know it. She didn't know it then either..."

"So the two of you got together after that?"

"Yep." he said nodding. "I asked her to come live with me the day I was released from the hospital, and she moved in later that same week. We'd never even kissed or been out on a date or anything, but...we just loved being together. Everyone thought it was a colossal mistake on her part...they thought I was just using her to get over Kikyo, or that I was afraid of being alone... but the truth was, I was just head over heels in love with her, and couldn't stand the thought of being away from her for even a day." InuYasha was surprised at how good it felt to talk to someone about her.

"How long were you two together?"

"Four years."

"And how did the relationship end?"

InuYasha let out a long sigh. "I drove her away. I was so afraid of losing her that I drove her away."

"How so?"

"I was afraid...every time my phone would ring my heart would start racing, thinking something bad had happened to her. Or if I couldn't get ahold of her, or if she was late getting home from work...or just for no reason at all I would worry about her…the thought of her getting hurt or dying would just pop into my head." he shot a look at the woman. "I know...it's crazy, right?"

She shook her head. "Not crazy at all. It does sound like you probably _were_ suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder at that time."

He shrugged. "Maybe...I guess...anyway...she just wanted a commitment that I didn't feel like I could make at the time. I was afraid, ya know? I...I had made a commitment before and it ended badly. I couldn't take that risk again. Not with Kagome. It's sounds sort of...superstitious I guess. Looking back, it's seems pretty stupid, but it made sense to me at the time. I wasn't very good to her...I mean, I never did anything _bad_ , but I never did anything particularly _good_ either. I never did thoughtful things that boyfriends are supposed to do. _Romantic_ things, I guess you could say. So, long story short, I woke up one morning and she was just gone. She just left me like it was nothing and I haven't seen her since."

"She didn't say goodbye?"

"She left a note."

"What did the note say? If you don't mind my asking." she said.

"Here," InuYasha said as leaned forward and removed his wallet from his back pocket; slipping the note from inside and carefully unfolding it and holding it out in front of her. "You can read it for yourself."

When she reached out her hand to take hold of the note, InuYasha instinctively yanked the worn paper away from her grasp.

"Did you change your mind?" She asked, furrowing her brow.

"No, it's just... I just don't want you to touch it." he said honestly.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I should have asked first." she said, and he held the note out again, close enough for her to read.

He sat quietly as he watched her eyes scan each line.

"And how long has it been?" She asked as she finished the letter and settled back into her chair.

"Six years, seven months, and sixteen days." he quickly answered as he folded the note and returned it to his wallet.

The doctor felt a tug of sympathy in her heart. From the way he talked about it, she had assumed that this had taken place quite recently.

"InuYasha, are you familiar with obsessive compulsive disorder?"

InuYasha rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "Here we go again. Another shrink telling me I'm fucking crazy."

"I'm not telling you you're crazy. OCD is very common. I treat patients everyday who suffer from varying degrees of it."

"Well, I don't have it." he said resolutely.

"And why do you say that?" she asked.

"Because I just don't. I'm not afraid of germs or whatever the hell those nut jobs are afraid of."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid of anything."

"Everyone's afraid of something. Is there nothing that scares you? Nothing you're afraid of losing?"

"Already lost everything worth havin'." he said with a shrug.

"And you don't believe there is anything more to gain in your life?"

"I don't know…I mean...I guess I do. I wouldn't be able to live anymore if I really believed that..."

"So what do you hope to gain?"

InuYasha paused for several seconds, whether contemplating his answer, or contemplating whether or not he would tell her, the therapist wasn't sure.

"I just...I guess I just want to be with her. I just want her to love me again."

"And if she never does?" the woman asked. "Don't you want to be able to move on?"

"No." he said firmly, shaking his head. "I'll go to my grave loving her, whether she's there beside me or not."

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Ignore all the author's notes. I don't know what I'm doing. Whatever happens, happens.**


	7. Where I'm Bound, I Can't Tell

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Seven: Where I'm Bound, I Can't Tell**_

* * *

 _"Suck. It. Higurashi." InuYasha said as he flipped over each playing card individually onto the table, beating Kagome's two-pair with three queens. "If we were playing for money you'd be fucking broke."_

 _"If we were playing for money I wouldn't be letting you win." she retorted._

 _He let out a snort and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right."_

 _"I'm serious! Don't they say you're always supposed to let girls win?" she said giggling._

 _"Oi!"_

 _Kagome's shoulders shook with laughter as she snatched the remaining cards from his hand, gathered up the deck and began shuffling. "So, have you started the book I let you borrow?"_

 _"Yeah," he said, grabbing the wheels of his chair and rolling himself backward, retrieving the book from his side table. "finished it." He tossed the book into her lap._

 _"And what did you think?"_

 _He shrugged. "It was alright... if you're into that sort of thing."_

 _"You don't like fantasy?" Kagome asked as she picked up the novel and ran her thumb along the upper corner, flipping through the pages. "InuYasha!" she said in a somewhat scolding tone._

 _"What?" His eyes went wide. "What did I do?"_

 _"You dog-eared it!"_

 _InuYasha let out a gasp. "Kagome! That is so insulting!" he said, feigning offense._

 _For a moment Kagome's only response was to sit there gaping like a fish out of water. "Oh, I...I didn't...I mean, I wasn't...I just meant…" she sputtered and InuYasha couldn't keep a straight face any longer as he burst out in laughter._

 _"You jerk!" she said as she tossed the book at him and it bounced of his chest and onto the floor._

 _InuYasha looked down at the book, and then back at Kagome, rubbing his chest as if he were injured. "First you make a racist comment, and then you physically abuse your patient. I could have you fired, ya know." he teased._

 _"Well, I'm not on the clock right now so I can do whatever I want." she said giggling. "So, word on the street is that you've started to regain feeling in your legs." she changed the subject._

 _InuYasha nodded. "I woke up in the middle of the night thinking my leg was asleep, but I was kind of out of it so I didn't think much of it until this morning when I woke up both my legs were sort of...tingly…I told the nurse and she poked my feet with those witch fingernails of hers and I could feel it. Just barely, but still…"_

 _"That's great news, InuYasha!" Kagome said. "It only took a few days to move your arms again once you regained feeling in them."_

 _"Two days." he said simply._

 _Kagome gave a half smile, lowering her gaze back to the cards in her hands. "Won't be long until you get to finally go home." she said as she reached out and rested her hand on his knee._

 _InuYasha's attention was focused intently on the small hand on his leg. He could feel it. She wasn't poking, or pinching, or tickling, or squeezing; she was just gently resting her hand on him, and he could feel her touch._

 _"I can feel your hand." he said, not taking his eyes from said appendage._

 _"Really?!" she said with a bright smile as she squeezed his knee._

 _He nodded._

 _"I bet your physical therapist will have you up and walking by this time tomorrow."_

 _"Keh! I know she will. A slave driver is what she is…" he grumbled._

 _Kagome snickered. "Well, the harder you work, the sooner you get to go home."_

 _InuYasha nodded. "You just can't wait to get rid of my sorry ass, can you?" he said with a smile that appeared only half sincere._

 _Kagome chuckled and shook her head. "Surely you know by now that I don't come in to visit all my patients on my days off." she said, the smile fading from her face to a more serious expression._

 _"Yeah, I know." he said as he placed his hand over hers._

A very rare smile spread across InuYasha's face as he daydreamed of the past while walking the familiar path from the bus stop to the shrine grounds where Kagome's family resided.

It was painful to think about the time when she left, but remembering the times when they were happy, reminiscing on the time when they'd first met...well, that was usually agonizing.

But hopefully all that would change after today.

He'd had several sessions with his therapist now, and during the most recent one she had suggested that it may be good for him to contact Kagome, if for no other reason than to get closure. She had suggested he write a letter, but he knew how much pain a letter could bring, and he had no interest in that 'passive bullshit', as he so eloquently put it.

It was his fault that she left, he knew; but sometimes, during his lowest points of self pity he couldn't help but feel that the punishment far exceeded the crime. Such was life, though. 'You reap what you sow', as they say. Unfortunately, sometimes the harvest is tenfold. This was something InuYasha knew firsthand.

He only hoped that Kagome would listen to what he had to say, and trust that he had changed. He couldn't go back in time and change the past, but he was willing to do whatever it took to atone for the mistakes he had made, and prove to her how much he loved her. That's all he could offer; it would have to be enough. He had come to terms with the fact that her intention hadn't been to hurt him, but to help herself, and it was for that reason that he couldn't bring himself to harbor any bitter feelings toward her.

He hadn't been willing to give her what she wanted back then, but now he was willing to give her everything. He'd give her the whole world if only it were his to give.


	8. Goodbye's Too Good a Word

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Eight: Goodbye's Too Good a Word**_

* * *

In the beginning she had hoped that he would fight for her. A big part of her had actually believed that he _would_. She had told him not to come after her, but she _wanted_ him to. She wanted him to _want_ to...but in time, the hope faded, and now she was as certain as she'd ever been that he wasn't going to fight for her. He was never going to come back to her. Why would he, really?

After all they'd been through, and she left him with nothing but a _note_ and a flimsy explanation.

After swearing her love and commitment to him a hundred different times, she'd ended it all with a scrap of paper and a few hastily scribbled lines. Was that what her word was worth? Was that _all_? Just hollow, conditional words? Futile, manipulative attempts to wring blood from a stone?

After she'd sworn to him that she would never love another man, she left him, and in _too short_ a time, found herself seeking comfort in another man's bed. Guilt blossomed and multiplied and festered in her gut like a cancer. Every relationship in her life suffered. She went through all the motions of life, or at least, what she thought life was supposed to be, and waited patiently for the day that she would wake up and be happy. She wasn't sure how much time needed to pass before everything fell into place on it's own and _the dream_ would take hold. The pain would magically disappear with the passage of time. Wasn't that how it was supposed to work? _Time heals all wounds_?

Kagome was convinced that whatever fool pinned that phrase had never known an ounce of pain and suffering.

But in time she _did_ learn to cope. She unexpectedly found herself blessed with a reason to be happy again, and he had her eyes, and his father's nose, and he called her _Mommy_. Her smiles became real again, and her laugh was no longer hollow, and the pain receded. All but one tiny speck remained, it was like a pebble in her shoe. An irritant that she could endure, but every so often would stop her in her tracks.

When she thought of _him_ , which was still nearly every day, she would imagine what it would feel like if she looked up and saw his face unexpectedly. If she opened a door to find him standing on the other side. She imagined it would be something like waking from a terrible nightmare and realizing you are in your bed, safe and warm. Her eyes often found their way to the door of whatever room she was occupying, still hopeful for that unlikely awakening.

But why would he come back to her? What man in his right mind would?

But if he did…

If he did, they would start over if they had to. If he only wanted her friendship, then she would be content to be his friend; even if she could never kiss him, or hold him in her arms, or even touch him ever again. Even if she had to watch him love someone else, she didn't care. If he came back into her life, she would never walk away from him ever again.


	9. To Make Me Change My Mind

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Nine: To Make Me Change My Mind**_

* * *

 **Trigger Warning!: Mention of suicide/suicidal thoughts/actions**

InuYasha caught sight of her the second his vision crested the top of the stone steps leading up to the shrine grounds.

She sat alone on a bench in the shade of the shrine's sacred tree. The shide that adorned the shimenawa rope around its trunk were rustling on the breeze; the sound was soothing and it suited her. She was completely engrossed in some book, as she was prone to do; the corners of her mouth turned upward in a smile so slight it would have most likely gone unnoticed by someone who didn't know her so well. Someone who hadn't spent hours watching her read her silly books when she thought no one was looking. Someone who hadn't seen that little smile a thousand times before or mourned its loss a thousand times since.

If time were to stop right now he'd be content just to spend the rest of his days right where he stood, quietly watching her read. Watching her while she watches someone else fall in love in her mind's eye. If time were to stop right now he could happily live the rest of his life in the peace that radiated from her heart to his when she didn't even know he was watching. At the mere sight of her all feelings of sorrow, or pain, or anger melted away and in that very moment he was himself again and he desperately hoped it would last.

But he couldn't stop time, and he couldn't stand there watching her forever. It was time for him to face his future. It was time for him to grasp those tarnished handles and open that doors that had been sealed for so long.

He approached her slowly. She was so absorbed in her book she had yet to notice him despite his now close proximity. She was just as he remembered her, it was almost as if she were immune to pain, and heartbreak, and the passage of time. Like an angel, so beautiful, and pure, and good. Too good for him. To good for this entire world, but he would make himself worthy of her. He'd make himself good enough for her, or he would die trying. He didn't really care which. Either option was more appealing than the alternative, returning to the life he'd been living without her.

"Kagome…"

Her smile fell and her back stiffened, but she didn't yet look up from her book. She didn't have to look up to know who was speaking to her, she recognized his voice within the first syllable of her name.

"I umm...I ran into your mom a while back and…" his voice cracked like an adolescent boy and he cleared his throat before continuing. "And um...she said...she told me I could stop by sometime. That you might...like to see me." He despised the nervousness and uncertainty in his voice. He wanted to sound confident and strong and tough, but he wasn't any of those things. Not right now, at least. Right now he was as unsure as he'd ever been in his life. He knew this would be his last chance, and if she rejected him now he was just certain he wouldn't survive, and as loath as he was to admit it, he was afraid to die alone.

Her head remained bowed, her eyes still focused on the book in her hand.

His heart twisted painfully in his chest. "Can you not even stand to look at me?"

"I'm afraid." She spoke so softly. He couldn't see the tears in her eyes, but he could hear them in her gentle voice, clear as day.

"You're _afraid_ of me?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Afraid that if I look up you won't really be here."

At that, InuYasha fell to his knees on the ground before her, leaning into her line of vision and forcing her to look at his face. "I'm really here."

"But I've had this dream so many times before." The tears now flowed unhindered down her cheeks, dropping from her chin and pattering against the pages of the book still held open in her trembling hands.

InuYasha wasn't sure what came over him, but without another word or thought he closed the distance between them, crushing his lips to hers without reservation and tasting the salt of her tears. He braced himself for a slap that never came; rather, she returned the kiss with a ferocity that was almost shocking to him. The woman that he was almost certain would reject him. The woman he was almost _certain_ had moved on with her life and forgotten him. She wasn't pushing him away, or slapping him, or cursing him. She was kissing him. She was kissing him, and touching his face, and crying tears of joy at the mere sight of him.

"Can we start over?" she asked when they separated. InuYasha wasn't sure whether she was asking permission, or simply asking if it were _possible_. Either way, his answer was the same.

He shook his head. "No...but I don't want to start over. I don't want to try to erase anything, I _couldn't_. I just want to move forward. If you gave me another chance...just _one more chance_ , Kagome, and I _promise_ I'll never disappoint you again." He pleaded with her.

Kagome slid from the bench to her knees on the mossy paver stones, allowing the long forgotten book in her hands to fall to the ground with a thud. "Yes, you will, InuYasha." she said. Taking his face in her hands, she lifted it to meet her eyes, and in his she found fear and defeat. "You _will_ disappoint me...and I'll disappoint you, and that's _okay_. We'll forgive each other, and we'll fight, and we'll make up, and we'll make mistakes. You can't be _perfect_. You _can't_ control everything."

"Yes...I know that, and I've been working on it, I really have. I've even been talking to…someone." he hesitated a moment before clearing his throat and continuing. "To a therapist...about the controlling thing…the OCD, is what she says it is." he added reluctantly. "But I just want to see you, and I want you to be happy, Kagome. I'll do _anyth_ -"

She cut him off by pressing her thumb over his lips. "Do you love me, InuYasha?"

"Yes. I love you. I love you. _I love you_." he said, each repetition more insistent than the last. This thing that had once been so difficult to say was now falling from his lips with such ease it was almost uncontainable.

"Then I'm happy." she said in response.

InuYasha wrapped his arms around her waist and yanked her tight against his chest. He buried his face in her hair and greedily breathed in her familiar and calming scent. He imagined this was the feeling one might experience when unexpectedly breaching the surface of the water after being resigned to the fate of drowning. The feeling of unexpected relief. Surprised, yet grateful. He felt a lump begin to rise in his throat, the sensation was so familiar and yet so foreign to him. It had been a long time since he had cried, but he remembered the last time in great detail.

How could he ever forget _those_ tears? He thought they would be the last ones he would ever shed. Those tears that dissolved and smeared the ink of the wedding announcement that had knocked the wind from his lungs and ripped the heart from his chest. He remembered that same night, no moon was visible in the sky; his senses dulled and his hair bled to black and he knew the timing _had_ to be a sign. As he rifled through his toolbox looking for his utility knife his hands shook with the anticipation of _nothingness,_ and fear of _something.._. Hell? No, he wasn't afraid of hell. He was already there.

He remembered vividly the following minutes, or perhaps hours that he spent sitting on the cold tile floor of his shower with the blade pressed to his wrist. Several times he drew blood, but never inflicted a wound that could be considered anything more than superficial. Every drop that rolled down his forearm reflected Kagome's face, or his mother's tears, or his brother's disappointment at finding him dead, weak, _human_ … In the end he couldn't bring himself go through with it.

He remembered the throbbing pain in his bruised and bleeding knuckles as he stood in front of his shattered vanity mirror. The shards that remained around the edges of the frame mocked him as they forced him to look into his own dead, defeated eyes; the rising sun illuminating the face of the greatest coward he'd ever known.

He remembered going to work that morning, and every morning after, and pretending that everything was fine. Nobody knew and nobody asked, and in time the secret became a comfort to him. _The secret_ that he chose the torture when he could have chosen freedom made him feel strong again, and when he hung a new mirror over the bathroom sink, the face of _the coward_ was replaced by that of a statue, cold and hard and unfeeling. He could think of no superior way to weather the passage of time. He remembered the heavy brick inside his chest that replaced his heart from that day on. Maybe one day, when he was _whole_ again, he would be able to tell Kagome these things that he'd held inside for all these years. No, not _maybe_ , he _would_ tell her. These horrible, terrifying things that he'd kept locked up tight behind his eyes and had never shared with anyone, not even his therapist. He would tell her so he could be free of them.

"I just want you in my life. That's all I'm asking for. Even if you don't want to be with me anymore, I just want to be able to talk to you and see your face again. That would be enough."

She pulled back from his embrace to look him in the eyes; his eyes that held tears he had never before allowed her to see, and she said in the most sincere tone, "I've always wanted to be with you."

He wanted to ask her, ' _Then why didn't you stay?_ ', but he wouldn't pretend he didn't already know the answer. _The answer_ had found him in the desolate silence. _'Why did she leave?',_ he would ask the empty space in his heart and in his bed. _'What did I do?'._ And _the answer_ would echo in his skull; it was the voice of the devil, and the voice of himself, and it said _'Nothing'_.

"Then where do we go from here?" he asked her.

"Well, you could start by coming in and having dinner with us." She smiled slightly and nodded in the direction of the house.

InuYasha turned his intense gaze toward the house and saw the warm light spilling from the windows, defying the setting sun and the fall of night. _Could it really be that simple?_ There was really only one way to know. The lines around his eyes softened as he smiled and nodded in return. "Okay." he turned back to her and accepted.

A bright smile spread across Kagome's face. "Oh!" she said suddenly, as if just remembering some important detail. She drew her hands together and began wringing them nervously. "Before we go in, there's...something else I need to tell you…"

"That you have a kid." he finished for her.

She gave him a look of surprise. "Yes." She relaxed her hands back down into her lap. "How did you know?"

"I saw him at the park with your mom."

"Oh…" Kagome said, sounding relieved as she stood to her feet. "Well…?" She extended her hand down toward him.

Without another word InuYasha took her hand, rose to his feet, and the two of them took the first smalls steps toward their future.

The warm welcoming embrace of Kagome's mother, the unbridled curiosity and adoration of her son, and even the cold shoulder of her grandfather all had InuYasha feeling a contentedness that he had nearly forgotten was possible. As he sat eating dinner with Kagome's family, who he hoped to someday call _his_ family, he silently wondered how a heart could feel both full and light simultaneously. He wasn't sure, but it felt good, despite the slight feelings of guilt that still remained and fought to steal this temporary happiness. Those malignant, nagging whispers in the back of his mind that told him he didn't deserve to be happy. But once upon a time those whispers were howls, and for the first time in a very long time, he was confident that they would continue to fade until they were one day nothing more than a distant memory of a dark time that irrevocably and inexplicably changed his life for the better.

* * *

 **A/N: There will be one more chapter, it is the epilogue.**

 **-SW**


	10. My Precious Time

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I have nothing.

* * *

 **I'm Not Coming Back**

* * *

 _ **Epilogue**_

* * *

InuYasha moved aside to give Kaito and his parents some privacy while they said their goodbyes. Taking a seat on one of the benches that surrounded the large brick dormitory building, he sat people watching, seeing all the weepy mothers saying their goodbyes to their nearly-adult children whom they still regarded as babies. There were even a few fathers shedding tears…

He shot a glance at Hojo. Of course the big baby was crying...InuYasha rolled his eyes. "What a wimp…" he grumbled under his breath.

After receiving a warm send-off from his parents and siblings, Kaito made his way over to the bench and took a seat next to his stepfather. "You know what this reminds me of?" he asked.

InuYasha shook his head. "What?"

"The day we first met. Do you remember?" The lanky eighteen-year-old asked with a grin.

InuYasha turned to him. "Of course I remember...do _you_? You were practically a baby."

The younger man nodded. "I remember it like it was yesterday…Do you know why I came up to you, that day in the park?" he asked.

"Because of my ears." InuYasha answered.

Kaito chuckled. "Yes, because of your ears…" he said, before his smile faded to a more serious expression. "because the hero in every bedtime story that Mom ever told me had ears like that...and it's not everyday you meet a real life hero."

All the air seemed to leave InuYasha's lungs at once as he fought to hold back the emotions that suddenly threatened to overcome him. He turned and threw his arms around the young man that he had always regarded as a son, just as much so as his biological children; he pulled him into a tight hug, hiding his tears, but not the emotion in his voice.

"You saved me that day, Kai." InuYasha whispered. " _You_ are _my_ hero."

"And you're mine." Kaito returned.

"I love you, buddy."

"I love you, too."

They held the embrace only a moment longer, before patting each other on the back and separating. They both quickly turned away to wipe their tears and clear the emotion from their throats.

"We're gonna miss having you around." InuYasha said in an exaggeratedly gruff tone.

"New Years isn't that far off."

InuYasha nodded. "Yeah...I guess not…do you need any money?"

"No, I'm good. Dad gave me a credit card so…"

"So dinner's on _you_ from now on when we come to visit." InuYasha finished for him with a chuckle.

Kaito smiled. "Sure." he said as he stood from the bench. "Well, I guess I should get inside and start unpacking." he said as he stood.

"Alright. See ya, kid." InuYasha said, standing alongside him and giving him a slap on the back. "Call your mom every once in awhile." he added as he made his way over to his wife and slipped an arm around her waist.

"I will." he promised with a smile before turning and heading up the wide concrete stairs that led into the dorm building.

Kagome turned her head toward InuYasha. "What were you and Kai talking about?" she asked.

"Just man stuff." InuYasha answered.

"Oh _really_. Is that why you were both crying like little babies?" she teased.

" _Oi!_ Nobody was crying!"

Kagome snickered as she wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned into his side. "Whatever you say _manly-man_." she teased.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss against her temple. "Maybe we can get the girls their own room tonight and I can _show_ you just how _manly_ I really am." he whispered into her ear.

" _EWW!_ "

"We can _hear_ you, ya know!" their two daughters called out from behind them.

 _Damn hanyou hearing…_

"What are you two complaining about? Don't you want your own room?" InuYasha turned and asked.

The girls looked at each other then back at their dad. "Can we get room service?" the older girl asked.

"Sure."

"Oh! Can we rent movies?" the younger girl chimed in.

"You can rent _one_ movie." Kagome answered, holding up a finger. "And I have to approve it first."

"Can it be PG-13?"

"No."

"But I'm thirteen!"

"And your sister's eleven."

"So? She's just gonna fall asleep in the middle of it anyway!"

"If you continue to argue with your mom there won't be any movie at all." InuYasha said sternly.

The older girl huffed and crossed her arms. "Fine…Can our room be on a different floor of the hotel at least?"

"Yes." InuYasha and Kagome said enthusiastically and in unison, before shooting each other knowing little smirks.

"GOD, GROSS! I'm going to throw up!"

InuYasha snorted and turned back to his oldest daughter with a grin on his face. "You _do_ know where you two came from right? You don't need me to explain that to you?"

" _No_!" Both girls shouted and InuYasha and Kagome both chuckled at their children's revulsion.

"Okay, good. Let's go then." he said as he turned back around, slipping his hand into Kagome's and lacing his fingers with hers.

"You two are so embarrassing." Their oldest daughter grumbled.

"One more word and we're going to kiss right here in front of everybody." Kagome called back and the girls fell silent as the four of them headed in the direction of the parking lot.

The last fifteen years had held a lot of introspection and reflection for InuYasha, but more than anything they had held happiness. More happiness than he had ever dreamed a life could hold. There was a time when he couldn't imagine he'd ever know the feeling of contentedness he now knew, but many seasons had passed since that time. Many Christmas mornings, and water balloon fights, and dirty diapers, and little league games, and dance recitals. Many mornings waking up next to the the other half of his soul, breathing her scent, and feeling the warmth of her body, and hearing the gentle rhythm of her breathing. He felt undeserving of such a life, but he was grateful for every second, and he would never take it for granted ever again.

He occasionally still thought of Kikyo; wondering, if she would had lived, would his life have turned out the way it did? Would he have married her? Would he still have met Kagome? Of course he didn't believe that her destiny was to be a pawn along the road of _his_ life. In fact, he didn't believe in such a thing as destiny at all. His hope for Kikyo was that she was resting peacefully somewhere, or that perhaps her soul had been reborn and was living happily inside a new heart. It was something he'd probably never know, but he chose to believe, because if there was one thing this life had taught him, it's that happy endings are possible.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **Have a glorious day!**

 **-SW**


End file.
